May 2013
2 posts
7 tags
Lumens
For a happy second
Or maybe even two
It’s possible to believe
That all the lights
Flickering on
Simultaneously
In the bus shelters
Is meant
Just for you.
8 tags
Supermarket sweep
The camp but
Family-friendly
TV presenter role
Has been in decline
For some time
And it is sad to report
You can now find
Dale Winton
Perusing the
Reduced shelf
Yellow-stickered fare
With equal eagerness
To the rest of us
March 2013
4 posts
6 tags
Apathaiku
Some folk write Haiku
To showcase witty wordplay
I rarely bother
6 tags
Repeat offender
2ND REMINDER NOTICE
Our records show that although
a reminder notice was previously
Sent to you
Your council tax account
is again in arrears
(Emphasis added)
Red Caps and Bold
Can’t you see that
50 per cent of this letter
is written in Red Caps and Bold
If you do not bring your
Account up to date
You will lose the right to pay
in instalments and
If you lose the right to pay
in...
10 tags
Nematus Pravus
“The real monsters of Loch Ness: new species of bugs discovered” – The Independent, 5 March 2013
And so it turns out
All photos of the
Loch Ness Monster
Are just sawfly larvae
Shot from weird perspectives
Making them look
Massive
Using mirrors, tin foil
And Photoshop to
Give the impression
They’re imperious in water
Not just gnawing a leaf
Fame for the obscure
Insect in disguise
Bringing...
10 tags
February 2013
1 post
9 tags
January 2013
3 posts
7 tags
6 tags
Word up, Jongleurs
Saturday night’s all right for poetry
NO IT’S NOT
All right then.
7 tags
December 2012
4 posts
6 tags
After dinner sensuality
The curves sublime
The temperament
A tad crunchy
At times
Ice cool entrance
She heats up the
Room
Then melts in the
Furnace she’s created
She tastes like
The kind of sweetness
That could only
Be derived from
The delicious tryst
Between a milk maid
And an Italian
Plastic factory foreman
Have you ever met her,
This Viennetta?
6 tags
PASSIVITY: A SCREENPLAY
SINGLE-CELLED ORGANISM 1, KNOWN HERE AS SCO1, IS TALKING TO SINGLE-CELLED ORGANISM 2, KNOWN HERE AS SCO2, AMIDST SOME PLASMA OR SOMETHING SIMILARLY SCIENTIFIC. IT’S PRETTY DRIZZLY. SCO2 HAS AN UMBRELLA.
SCO1: This kind of day makes me want to stay in and work on my novel.
SCO2: What’s it about?
SCO2: Funny you should ask about my novel at this time. You ought to mind your own fucking...
6 tags
Realising
Waking up to the sound of a kitty cat
Scratching on your yoga mat
I must not be young anymore
5 tags
Online journalism
Read the article
Seen the comments
No clue who’s right
Should probably
Just sit here
Do nothing
And wait for death.
October 2012
1 post
6 tags
Left untitled
The critics
And the coroner agreed
That the choked poet’s
Half-arsed
Attempt to swallow
The Complete Works of Milton
On National Poetry Day
Was pretty much
As poetic an end
As was probably intended.
September 2012
2 posts
7 tags
The Sky Sports the limit
“I’m not a wheeler and dealer
I’m a fucking football manager”
Said the man who’d decided
Life would be more fun
If he spoke only in Harry
Redknapp quotes from now on
It was not a delusional thing
To make that clear
The problem apparent
Was that he was a wheeler-dealer
By trade
So to employment tribunal
He went
With his right of reply
Which he used to proclaim
“He can say exactly what
He thinks...
9 tags
Grievance
The beast stalks across the high school
Playground in twilight time
A puzzled expression growing
On its muzzle
Hen killer! Pet killer!
Was never enough
And the bar’s been recently raised to
Baby killer!
By a PR campaign too expensive to
Counter on an average vulpine income
The creature’s here to
Try make some abstracted
Sense of what the human redhead’s
Complaint against the bully might be
Since...
August 2012
1 post
8 tags
Birth of a literary folly: The Alarmist →
http://alarmistmagazine.co.uk/
July 2012
3 posts
8 tags
A Limerick
There was a young man who said ‘I’m fine’
To the tired workplace ‘how are you?’ line
But one day he was not
And all questioners forgot
So he joined Al-Qaeda
9 tags
Requiem for a dickhead
You were a bit of a twat really
No, less qualification on that
You were an absolute twat
Pretty much uniquely consistent
In your twattish attitudes
Sayings and behaviours
But now you’re dead
In tragic circumstances
So it’s time to lie about
All that.
7 tags
Stay in
Hidden secret undiscovered
Secret undiscovered hidden
We’re mixing it up here
At Timeout HQ
So you never realise
We’ve told you all these
Secrets before
And thus they’re
Actually not
That secret anymore
So much for your
So-called hidden gems
Consider them revealed
And revealed again three
Months later
Just to make sure
Because Timeout
Hasn’t just assumed
You, the modern public
Have the...
June 2012
2 posts
7 tags
6 tags
May 2012
2 posts
7 tags
Nativity
Away in a Pret a Manger
Baguettes make shit beds.
7 tags
Greek myth believer speaks
I’m proper Olympics, me
I’m drinking Coke
With a Mastercard-branded
Curly straw
I’m proper Olympics, me
My excrement shares the
Same archaic sewer system
As Usain Bolt
For two weeks whole
I’m fucking Olympian
As fuck, me
I’ve installed a DIY
Anti-aircraft gun
On my roof
I’ve arsoned up a Muslim
Family’s home
Using a replica Games torch
Yeah I support the troops
Against the enemies...
April 2012
2 posts
6 tags
Crime scene tape borders
All city incarnations
In every city
Subtitles and dub
CSI is never
Not on
But ponder this:
Will it inspire
A worldwide rash
Of talented
Forensics
Or highly efficient
Murderers?
5 tags
The lone ranger: redux
Start with espresso of course
Look at building
Look at church
Another espresso
Look at building
Look at church
Walking in circles
Double-double espresso
Heart palpitations
Stare distrustfully at
German tour groups
Sense that another espresso
Would calm you right down
- it doesn’t –
Look at ten more buildings
Half a dozen churches
A monument to
Some non-specific
Something or other
Some...
March 2012
7 posts
5 tags
The bitter and twisted tale of Phil Masinga
Ooh aah Masinga
This is a chant that never caught on
Not that anyone really tried
A man who entered as feted bride
Exited as ugly bridesmaid in
A South Leeds car park
While his imported friend
Considered a lesser light
Broke that bond of trust implicit
By being a star
Becoming a Chief while
Phil became a footnote
Whenever a friend steals my thunder
I think of Philemon Masinga
Whenever I see...
8 tags
The Alarmist is a new, dark and twisted...
…It’s not about trying to prove how clever or well-read you are, mind - we’re not the Paris Review. We want to buck the modern trend, and tickle and entertain with what we publish.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Alarmist/132956506824644
7 tags
The way the world works
Kids and a God
Kids and a God
That’s all you need
For a platform
Preferably smiling kids
Preferably a frowning God
But any kids
And God will do
To make your
Opinion valid
Your stance respected
Your lies and bullshit
Firewall protected
God God kids kids
Kids kids God God
Now go out and nuke
The planet.
5 tags
Note to plastic gangstas
Real gangstas
Get someone else
To buy their
Haribo sweeties
For them
5 tags
The prayer
“There’s always someone having a worse time than you”
Not true
There is definitely someone at the very bottom
Of the pile of people making other people feel better
And I wanna meet that fucker.
7 tags
The Real Illuminati
I’ll have you know
They’re plotting against us
Those little swirly bits
You can only see
When you half-shut
Your eyes on a sunny day
Locking up your daughters
Will do no good
Those elusive specks of evil
Are above sexual mores
They care only for destruction
Your eyelashes will collaborate
Come the hour of reckoning
Who knows if even your eyes
Can be trusted
They’ll run rings round us
One...
7 tags
Standard fare
I got poked with a paper
And became infected with news
The Press Complaints Commission
Did absolutely nothing.
February 2012
4 posts
6 tags
Do not eat the contents
Silica
Silica
Lonely in a box again
Failing to gel
Living a lie
A solid
In everything
But name
Looking for love
But only
Attracting
Dickhead water
Molecules
If she sucks
Hard enough
The lakes
Rivers and oceans
Will come
They will
Pay for her
Sorrow
They will know
Thirst.
6 tags
The third way
Three-way marriage
Three-way marriage
All we really want is
Three-way marriage
Variation, spice of life
Access all areas
All the goddamn time
Yeah all we really want is
Three-way marriage
It’s a bloody great idea
All that
Bickering over date nights
Who does the washing-up
Doubling the calls about
What we’re gonna have for tea
Three-way marriage
As modern as it comes
Missing out on
Buy one get one...
5 tags
8 tags
We’ve betrayed our children who can’t use cutlery
Inspired by a true ‘story’
We’ve betrayed our children
Who can’t use cutlery
Just dishing out betrayal
Onto paper plates at best
But…but…but
If our children can’t use cutlery
How come you’re
Reporting so much youth knife crime, then?
One could probably argue
Such children are more advanced
Cutlery-users
Taking cutlery outside
It’s traditionally kitchen or dining room
Based context...
January 2012
6 posts
6 tags
End times
How are you?
I’m fine
How are you?
I’m fine
You do realise the world ended half an hour ago, right?
How are you?
I’m fine.
8 tags
Red blood cells
If I was a proper spoken word artist
I’d probably write something like
‘I can’t remove the stain you left behind
No matter how hard I try’
And somehow get away with it
But in this case metaphor’s truly dead
A week after decline hit buffers
It was quite literally impossible to get rid of
Your heavy period blood stain off the mattress
Blobs of Flash, Stain Devil, Iceland’s own brand
Could in no way...
6 tags
5 tags
Geology’s revenge
Rocks were resentful
And rightly so
The modern publicity-seeker
Would suggest
For hundreds of years a constant source
Of man-versus-ocean news
Now, modern navigation kit had
Struck them largely
Way off the zeitgeist
But now rocks are back
In a very big way
And it’s hard to say
If this change of fortune
Is simple happenstance and accident
Or the public and media
Clamouring for the...
4 tags
Ancestry.co.uk
So what if your great great uncle
Was a trapeze artist and lothario
A distant cousin wrote a book of repute
And the generations were generally
Filled with wealth wit and scandal
You can rest assured that none of them
Had your range of online payment options
5 tags
Rapper’s despair
They say rap’s dead
If officially confirmed
Then that’s an awful shame
We were supposed to be
Working on an album together
Next year
December 2011
2 posts
6 tags
I was Mr 6 December on the 'Poetry Advent... →
6 tags
Military fitness
A drilled squadron
Of the most
Tedious office
Social committee
Organisers
And photocopier hounds
Jog in formation
Totally deadpan
See they’re all the above
Plus Reebok, not khaki
But they’re squaddies
In their heads now:
Battle hardened
Sandwich-munching
Civvies watch on
In awe as
They complete two laps
Several sprints
And at least
Fifty squat-thrusts
In St. James’ Park
During one...
November 2011
2 posts
8 tags
Spoilsports
Person under a train
There’s a person
Under a train
And so yet another
Game of public transport
Hide & seek
Was utterly ruined.
5 tags
Note to speculators
Cash in art
Worth more than
Cash on the
Stock market
Fashion versus
Human confidence
Faced with
This choice
Invest wisely
In cyanide
October 2011
3 posts
6 tags
Me saying stuff into a microphone in King’s...
5 tags
Seeking medical help
I’m autistic
Diabetic
Paranoid-schizoid
Hyperactive
But it might be
Connected
To my thyroid
Got it all from
A mix of
Yahoo Answers
And
Wikipedia
The latter
Even sounding
Like a sort of
Clinic if you
Think about it
If you’re
Paranoid
Maybe get a
Second opinion
Said some
Wise guy
But of course
The Doctor
Agreed;
Fully substantiated
The diagnosis
And
We were even
Using the same
Browser
